i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
