false alarm. still invincible.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
