an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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