she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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