I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
