yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
