it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
