I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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