I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
