I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
