Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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