I want to have your abortion
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
