I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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