When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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