I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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