I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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