he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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