There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize