Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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