we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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