I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
