I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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