You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
