the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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