Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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