All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
