I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
