Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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