Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
