When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
