Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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