Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
