Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
