so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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