She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
