Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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