I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
