Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
