why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
As shirtless as possible
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
