The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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