I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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