i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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