Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
