I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
