i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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