nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
