just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
