I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
