WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
