nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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