Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
