SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
