Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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