but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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